Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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