What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
