Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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