i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
