We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
