I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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