Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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