I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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