last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
