I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
