Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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