roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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