So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
