It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
