Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
