yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Randomize
