No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
