Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
