i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
