I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
