You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
