I think I won the penis lottery.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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