I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
