i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
