i permit you to call me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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