Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
