K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
