I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
