Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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