Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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