Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
