I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
