Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
