he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
