Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
