hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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