We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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