tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
