i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
