i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
