The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
