I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
