the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
