Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Pants are for mortals
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
