so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
