i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
