Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
