last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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