had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
