Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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