you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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