Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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