I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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