here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
